I’m going to share with you what my experience, my clinical work with clients, and over 70 years of research has confirmed, that the part within you that has the greatest influence on how you love is called your attachment style.
By the end of this quick exploration of the attachment style basics, you’ll see how you could use this knowledge to improve your love life.
So, even if you’re not in a relationship right now, I’m glad you’re here and I’m confident this will be helpful to you as well.
Have you noticed that when your closest relationship is struggling that you tend to respond by pulling back? Or maybe you take the opposite approach and tend to try to desperately reconnect?
This default internal response to any problems between you and your lover is referred to as your attachment style.
Your default internal response is something you learned at around 12 months old, before you even had the ability to speak. As an infant you were learning how to do relationship with your caregiver – and when things weren’t going well, you learned to adapt.
The approaches you used as an infant have been categorized into different styles.
It may surprise you to know that as an adult, when things aren’t going well in your closest relationship, your attachment style that you learned as an infant, runs the show.
That’s why you learning everything you can about your attachment style is one of the best things you could do for your love life.
Now, I’m going to show you four quick quiz questions to help you bring into focus the attachment style that you developed.
QUESTION: When things are not going well
in your closest relationship, which of the following ways do you tend to feel?
A. a tendency to be preoccupied with worry and anxiety about what your partner is thinking or doing, and what you need to do in order to finally get super close and connected with them, or
B. a tendency to feel like you want to pull back from the relationship, or
C. a tendency to feel drained and annoyed from the problems caused by the relationship, or
D. None of the above
So, let’s go through this questionnaire. If you connect with any of these first three, that suggests that you potentially developed what are labeled as insecure types, they include anxious-preoccupied, fearful-avoidant, and dismissive-avoidant.
If you have an insecure attachment, that doesn’t mean that you or your relationships are doomed. In fact, most people have insecure attachment styles. They are ways that we show up that may not always be flattering or ideal, but that serve a purpose.
Returning the quiz, if you answered none of the above, then you may have what’s known as a secure attachment style.
So, let’s start with the secure type, because even if you are one of the insecure attachment types, you can still have moments where it feels like you are the secure type.
For example, if it turns out you have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style you would often feel and behave more secure when your relationship is going well.
If it turns out that you have a fearful-avoidant style of attachment you would often feel more secure during the earlier months of a new relationship.
And lastly, if you discover you have a dismissive-avoidant style of attachment you would often feel more secure during those times when your partner seems very settled and fulfilled.
So, in a way, every one of us can relate to being secure.
One way to figure out if you truly did develop a secure connection style in infancy is to see if your own experiences in relationship match up with those who are secure.
So let’s talk about the basic experiences a person with a secure attachment style would strongly connect with:
If you developed a secure attachment style:
This style of loving developed for about 40% of us.
You’d probably find it easy to depend on a partner and easy to be depended on by them.
You’d likely find it easy to get close to a prospective partner.
When you are having relationship conflict, you’d usually find it easy to say what’s important to you.
When you think about any past close intimate relationships, they probably all were mostly satisfying.
You’d probably notice that you’ve generally been satisfied with most of your closest relationships.
And fundamentally, you’d be primed to both self-regulate and co-regulate in love.
If you developed a secure attachment style, then your partner probably is the same, because secure lovers tend to find each other.
The good news is that whatever attachment style you have, secure or not, both you and your partner can always learn to be even more secure.
Go ahead and click that subscribe button so you can access my other videos and learn how to be more secure in your love relationship.
Of course, everyone wants to think they already are secure. That being said, it might also be helpful to compare yourself to the basics of the three insecure attachment styles we’ll go over now.
Let’s start with the basics of the anxious-preoccupied attachment style.
If you developed an anxious-preoccupied attachment style:
This style of loving developed for about 16% of us.
You’d likely notice that after an intense relationship conflict you almost desperately desire that your lover somehow affirms to you that they do love you.
Or, to a lesser degree, during some tension between the two of you, you might find yourself constantly checking your phone or constantly sending texts in order to get back in touch with your partner.
You’d would probably notice that you are anxious when your lover is gone, and you only settle down after you are back with them.
Though fundamentally, you’d notice you are primed to co-regulate.
If you have this anxious-preoccupied style, then your longer relationships would most likely be with a fearful-avoidant or dismissive avoidant lover.
Let’s start with the fearful-avoidant attachment style.
If you’re fearful avoidant:
This style of loving developed for about 28% of us.
You’d probably feel that you place a high value on your independence and being self-sufficient.
Or you likely would find that you often miss your partner when you’re apart only to surprisingly feel a pull to get away or maybe shut down once your back together.
And perhaps you’d notice that you can sometimes become annoyed or angry with your lover even though you’re not certain why you feel that way.
If you have this fearful-avoidant style, then your longer relationships would most likely be with an anxious-preoccupied lover.
Now let’s look at some of the basics of a similarly behaving, yet uniquely experienced attachment style, the dismissive avoidant.
If you developed a dismissive-avoidant attachment style:
This style of loving developed for about 16% of us.
You’d most likely feel that you place a very high value on your independence and being self-sufficient.
Or you’d probably notice that when you get what you want in your relationship, you then start to wonder if that’s really what you wanted.
And you’d most likely notice that you are primed to self-regulate.
If you have this dismissive-avoidant style, then your longer relationships would most likely be with an anxious-preoccupied lover.
Now that we’ve explored the basics of the four love attachment styles, I would love to hear from you.
If you’re in a relationship right now, then LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS WHAT attachment PAIRING YOU THINK YOU ARE IN right now.
If you’re not in a relationship at the moment, then let me know if you’ve ever seen an attachment pairing play out for you in a past one, or maybe how you think your way of loving would play out in a future relationship.
I want to hear from you and other’s do as well – sharing your thoughts and experiences will be helpful to all of us.
I invite you to watch some of my other current videos on this topic in order to better understand your partner’s attachment style and your own, then you will be in a much better position to positively impact the entire dynamic of the way you love.